Hi. It’s been a long while since the last time I saw you. But I could still perfectly remember the last look in your eyes when you told me we should bid our goodbyes. You have this rude habit of walking out whenever the situation doesn’t impress you, and I have developed this fear of seeing you turn your back. Oh, how I’d run real fast and pull your hand because I hate to see you leaving. I often close my eyes when you slowly move farther and farther away. But on the day you let me go, I kept them open as I try to memorize your face, thinking that it could be the last. And it had been.
Some people choose to shipwreck their friendship for the pursuit of romance. And that, I believe, is a great display of bravery. But the thing is, I am not some people. I chose not to become a victim of a tragic fall. I saved myself. No, maybe, I did try to save you, too.
I kept my walls protected and my convictions grounded. That was the right thing to do. We live in a world that always says that we should follow our hearts, but sadly, though, our hearts are dirty liars. It tells us to give into everything that we feel. But life is not all about feelings. Our lives are not made up of purely emotions. And I’ve known that. I know that I could get a little fragile at times, but that doesn’t mean I have all the rights to become reckless and that also doesn’t give me an excuse to miss my priorities. All the more, I need to become responsible for my actions and for my words.
How many times have I convinced myself that I need to stop wanting you back? How many more nights would I spend trying to get you out of my head?
No. It’s never easy. Look at me and you’ll know. I’m still holding you back. I’m still keeping you in the depths of my heart. The pain is still here. Still solid, and always will be.
I don’t want to become a memory you would soon forget. I never wanted to become just another nostalgia that you would brush off the moment it hurts you. I’d like to believe that you feel the same way, too.
I am pretty sure that upon reading this blog entry, someone will raise an eyebrow, or two. But in this upraising, and unfortunately receiving too much glory, Fifty Shades of Grey, once a book, and has now become a movie, someone must speak up the truth why Fifty Shades of Grey is beyond demoralizing and why it must be shunned.
This movie is just one of the provocative measures to draw the young people—and even the adults, in exploiting sex as something that’s only created to gratify the cravings of the flesh. And the sad thing is, a lot of people are seemingly swooned and downright whipped by this dull and poorly written porn-book.
Mas mahirap lumayo sa taong kaya mo namang mahalin, pero hindi mo pwedeng ibigin.
They asked me about us. I told them we’re just friends. Because that’s the truth, we really just are.
And they bought that. I should have been relieved, right? Because finally, I have already cleared it up. I don’t have to carry the burden of having to explain myself to practically everyone. No questions will be asked. They’ll spare us the gossips and all that.
You had your heart broken and it will hurt you. It will make you want to sleep and never wake up again only to feel the pain. Sometimes, your stomach would cringe when you go to places where the both of you have been to. You will remember him in everything you do and his memory will break you and make you want to forget. You will remember the way he smiles at you, the way he makes your stomach flutter, the way he tells you how beautiful you are, the way he makes it safe for you to be yourself, the way he knows your brand of comedy; what makes and breaks you, and you will remember every fiber of his being; his unguarded moments, his laugh, his voice, his pain and his joy. It’s not going to be easy. Sometimes, your silly heart will romanticize your pain and it will hurt. You’re going to cry and your chest will hurt because of too much hurting, but you’re going to be okay. It will pass. I swear, it will come to pass.
Nowadays, love is overly romanticized and people think that being in a relationship is purely rainbows and butterflies. But I realized that with the beauty of this season comes pain and struggles.
There are moments when I could feel God breaking my heart and crushing every inch of my pride, especially when I won’t allow his Lordship in this area of my life. Sometimes, I’m so selfish that I only see my own feelings and do things that are convenient for myself. Sometimes, I have the tendency to become more argumentative than gracious.
Disclaimer: This is a letter written in a Christian perspective. If you are a not a Christian and you do not agree, that’s expected. A lot of people will get offended and I’ll understand. But we, Christians, are called to be the salt and light of this world. Having said so, the Bible should be the final authority in what we believe and what we stand up for.
We can agree to disagree on one thing. But let me just quote what Rick Warren once said:
“Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”
With that said . . .
I am not bashing anyone or a certain individual. This post is not an attack against a person’s character. I believe we have our free will and it’s up to us on how we would want to live our lives.
We live in a world where love is widely and deeply romanticized; where butterflies are better than genuine affection; social media posts are sweeter than written letters; where lies surfaced with swooning words are better than honesty; where we settle for the mediocre because waiting was portrayed as ugly; where compromises become home and where wrongs become right.
“He’s just a friend.” Well, something like that . . . and a lot more.
I’ve used this excuse before and man, I couldn’t count the number of times I had to lie and convince myself that he really was just—a friend. But deep within my heart, I know that he’s so much more than what I brand him for. But I had to deny . . . because I also knew that despite of the fact that I’ve grown feelings for him, he wasn’t just God’s plan.